Between the devil & the deep blue sea

Three months ago, it started out so innocent. Never in a million years would I have thought things would have gotten to this stage. I would like not to think it has gotten out of hand because it hasn't. I would like to keep things the way they are, nothing further, nothing less. I don't know if this is right or wrong because I don't know how to differentiate between the two anymore. For once, I am not sure. It's not black or white anymore. I hate where I have put myself. I hate that I'm not strong enough to pull myself away. I hate that I even allow myself to feel what I'm feeling. Somehow, deep inside, I know it's wrong. But how wrong is it to have feelings for someone you adore and nothing more? It's not lust, nor love, nor is it infatuation. It's something even I can't describe. I don't have the longing to be with him. I only yearn for the conversations and the nothings that we talk about. The laughters that we share are nothing I have had in the past three years. I haven't been happy for a long time. But I am now. I smile to myself when I recall the stupids that we talk about. While I'm happy, I'm guilty. In this intricacies of relationships, have I lost myself or have I found me? While I'm happy, I'm selfish. I'm torn.