It's funny how my conversations of late revolves around relationships and men. I met up with a friend today whom I've not seen for years. The very first few sentences that we exchanged was, "Are you seeing anyone right now?" It's not like he's interested or whatever. He's 56, old enough to be my father, bald and short. But, charming and lovable. Does it really matter if I am seeing anyone. No. He then asked how long have I not been in a real relationship. I said three. He went, "I sure hope you have a sex friend." I smiled. And I said, men and women are different. It's not like my life depended on it. "You need a man," he says. "It's not like you NEED him, it's the convenience of having one." Nice. How convenient.
I don't let my guard down easily around men. And I guess I can be skeptical. A friend once said I need to bring down that wall. I guess I do have a wall. Only because I don't trust them. Can you blame me? I'm constantly surrounded by men who cheat. It's not like I hear stories. I choose to listen with my eyes, not with my ears. He says, "So, what do you have to lose?" What do I have to lose? What do I have to lose when my man cheats? Hmmm. Let me think. I get sad, my heart aches, I cry, and I cry somemore. Actually, nothing, really. I just need to pick myself up and dust myself off everytime. No biggie. WHAT DO I HAVE TO LOSE!?!? When you know you have gave it your all, all the sacrifices you have made for 'us', the effort, the time, YOUR YOUTH, your trust, and only to know that all of that wasn't only unappreciated, it was 'misused', it's really not a good feeling at all. Then he says, "What's the big deal? You need to learn to fall in and out of love quickly." Now, why would I want to do that. "I know a friend who can. She learns quickly. She's in control. She knows what she wants and she doesn't waste time." I'm like, good for her. I don't care if she can do all that. No one person is the same. Why would I want to deal with it that way. I want to know that it's difficult having to be with someone because then you learn to appreciate them more. Then you don't take him for granted. People usually don't appreciate things that come easy because they don't know how hard they have to work for it. I want to go through the heartbreaks and the heartaches so I remember, and I don't repeat the same mistake twice. And however much pain I feel would remind me of how much love I have felt for this person. Isn't that how it's suppose to be? Since when has falling in and out of love been easy? If it's that easy, I don't think it's love at all.
We talked the whole afternoon/evening. Many things I didn't agree on but didn't argue. I just listened and tried to understand where he's coming from. After all, he has been through much more than I have. The only probably thing that I agreed with him the whole day was that, "If you know what you want, go get it. Within you are many answers that you think you don't know, but you do. Go grab that man if you so adore." I'm not sure if I'm wired to grab and go. But I'll try.
I am not afraid to love. I just need to find a man who's worthy of it.
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