Screwed..

It's 10 minutes to three in the morning. I'm in the hotel room in Zurich staring at my laptop thinking what to write while I listen to Lady Antebellum, Need you now, singing "It's a quarter after one, I'm a little drunk and I need you now. Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now. And I don't know how I can do without. I just need you now." Love the song.

Ever felt like you've fallen into a ditch? It's dark, there's nothing to hold on to, nor nothing you can catch on to. You're falling deeper and deeper and you just keep falling. You don't stop. And suddenly you wake up with a jerk, realizing you're on your bed. Your heart thumps fast and you're perspiring. You're glad you're awake and you wonder to yourself what was that all about. I've been feeling like that the last couple of days. And it feels like crap! I wake up feeling like crap! I hate the feeling. I'm not in control of myself. And I hate that. I always thought I could handle anything that's thrown towards me and this has totally thrown me off course. I guess being over confidence can work the other way for some.

I've always thought being single wasn't an issue for me. People often say "you don't know what you have got till it's lost." For me, I guess I didn't know what I could have until I found it. A guy once asked why people go into relationships. Without thinking, I said sense of belonging and security. "So, why aren't you attached?" was the next question. I said cause I don't need it. Pfftt. Who the hell am I kidding? Everybody wants that sense of belonging and security. EVERYBODY. Somewhere, hidden in their little heart, they want to belong to someone. Nobody wants to be alone and nobody should be alone. Here, and now, I admit, I am sick and tired of being alone. I'm done being independent. I want to be pampered and spoilt. Like any other precious things in the world. I am done being in control! I give up.